Looking Back and Moving Forward

(I had posted a previous entry but have since deleted it because I thought it was too personal. However I am my business and my business is me, I can’t separate the two and maybe by putting my personal struggles out there I can potentially help someone else going through the same thing. I reposted that entry here.)

I am sitting here writing this in isolation because the corona virus decided that it was my turn to be sick. One final parting gift from 2023. Though I feel fine, it would have been irresponsible for me to celebrate my birthday and Christmas with loved ones and because of that, friends have dropped off food and presents. One thing this year has taught me is that I have an amazingly supportive community. I would not have made it through with out you all. 

Y’all. Its been a year. 

Where to start….well… lets look back on 2023. I had chosen my word for the year to be “Conquer.” Little did I know the significance that word would take on. I did manage to conquer my breast cancer diagnosis with a lot of help from my family, doctors, and friends. I am not out of the woods yet but I will be continually monitored for the next five years to make sure I do not have a recurrence. 

What I learned about breast cancer is there are so many different types, and that it does not discriminate. What I was diagnosed with was Triple Negative, which means that receptors for progesterone, estrogen, and the protein receptor HER2 on the cells were not being fed, which other types potentially are. Because of this, it is said that this type is much more aggressive and can’t be controlled by aromatase inhibitors. 

Since completing treatment I have had a lot of anger. I am angry that I no longer feel in control of my own body. How did this happen? I was doing everything right with my health! I’m young(ish) and I work out a lot and eat healthy! I am struggling with chemotherapy induced menopausal symptoms, something my doctor just glossed over. And I am working on accepting my new body, one that I barely recognize. I feel guilty because I should be grateful that it was caught early and that I am alive, and many people have it much worse than me. In talking with other cancer survivors I’ve learned that is pretty common to feel this way. I’ve started talking with a therapist and will hopefully work through these feelings and develop some tools that will help me cope. 

a look back on my year. 

Before going in for a lumpectomy, Evan and I visited Salon, hosted by Lynne Rutter in San Francisco.

Friends from CrossFit Catonsville gave me an awesome send off and supported me throughout my treatment.

I travelled down to Nashville to work on the Southern Living Idea House for Laura Hodges Studio.  

Evan and I were able to travel to Michigan to be with family and celebrate the Fourth of July up at the farm. 

Laura Hodges Studio hosted a pop up at her shop Domain to help me out during my treatment. I was touched by how many friends came to support me. 

After chemotherapy was completed and before I started radiation, I snuck in a much needed trip to LA to visit Evan. 

While home and unable to work, I wanted to figure out how to install a zipper. That has evolved into an entirely new side hustle and I’ve started a new instagram page, which I hope you will follow. @thestudiobydeelenehan

During the weeks between chemo when I felt ok, I snuck in a little work. I am currently working with some of the best clients I’ve ever had the privilege of working with on their dining room. I scheduled radiation nearby so that I could work each day then go to treatment. I completed the walls in November and am working on the ceiling in my studio. Installation is planned for January second and then I will be finishing the trim and wainscoting to complete the room. I was also able to play with my band The Gold Ponies at a few shows, and Evan even flew out from LA to surprise me!!

Leading up to Christmas I was commissioned to paint several portraits for clients as gifts. I worked to make sure they were completed in time and thankfully the clients were thrilled. I am finding that portrait work is very gratifying and as a bonus it allows me to work in my studio and off the ladder. I hope to receive many more commissions in the future. 

Looking forward and my word of the year

2024 is shaping up to be a good year. I have had such a positive response to the landscape mural at the Southern Living Idea House that I have a mural scheduled in Los Angeles in January and a few more in Nashville later in the year. I hope to make up for last year and travel a lot more. Which brings me to my word for 2024…

Balance

2023 was a kick in the pants and reminded me of a lesson I had forgotten. Work to live, not live to work. I was so caught up in proving to myself that I could make it independently that I lost sight of the big picture. When my mom passed in 2014, I vowed not to put off enjoying life until retirement. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So for 2024 I am going to work on keeping things in perspective and balancing my work with enjoying my life. And seeing my sweetheart as much as I can. 

A friend once told me something that she lives by. Whenever she is presented with an opportunity, not only does she say yes to it, she says “Yes, AND….(insert whatever else would make that experience that much more amazing.)”

So Yes! I want to live my life, AND I want to LOVE it. I do not want to let fear or worry stand in the way of having incredible experiences. I am excited for what this next year has in store. I want to paint all the projects! Make all the things! See all the places! Eat all the food! Have all of the experiences I can. 

What are your hope, goals, or dreams for the coming year? I would love to hear them.

Wishing you happiness and health in 2024.

THE “C” WORD

Lots has happened since my last post “My Word of the Year.” When I decided on the word “Conquer,” I wasn’t exactly expecting to have to conquer breast cancer, but here we are. 

Back in September of 2022 I had my routine mammogram and was called back for a follow up due to some concern with a couple of areas. No big deal I thought, that happened the last time I went in for my routine mammogram because I have dense breast tissue and so did my mom. I came back in February (first available appointment) for my follow up which turned into a multi hour affair. They brought me back to do an ultrasound to try and clarify what they were seeing. The doctor recommended a biopsy to see if the tumors were cancerous. 

THE RESULTS OF MY BIOPSY

On March 6, I received the results of my biopsies (that was an adventure! ouch!) and was told I had both “Ductal Carcinoma in Situ” as well as “Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.” However, the test revealed that they were negative for Estrogen and Progesterone reception as well as the protein receptor HER-2. So that means I had “Triple Negative Breast Cancer.” I had a third MRI guided biopsy to determine whether a third tumor was cancerous, which thankfully it was not. 

I made an appointment with the top surgical oncologist at Johns Hopkins and consulted with her about my options. Initially I wanted to get a mastectomy to eliminate any chances of recurrence. However, after finding out that the third tumor was benign, we decided that a partial mastectomy, aka a breast conserving surgery or a lumpectomy was the best choice. I would still have the same chances of recurrence with either surgery. I also decided on a reduction and lift on the right so that the girls match. 

My surgery took place on May 9, one week ago. I’m feeling good and able to get around but can’t lift heavy objects or do too much strenuous activity. I am sore in my left armpit where they removed two sentinel lymph nodes. I will need radiation once I heal and if my lymph node biopsy comes back positive then I will need chemotherapy too. 

UPDATE: As of May 19, both the margins of the tumors as well as the lymph nodes are negative! We’re not completely out of the woods yet as this is an aggressive cancer and has a high recurrence rate within the first five years. However, I will take the good news!! 

THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF A BREAST CANCER DIAGNOSIS

The time from my diagnosis to my surgery was an absolute emotional rollercoaster. I really loved my breasts and realizing that I would be losing part of my body that I was proud of devastated me. I understand that there are people in the world much worse off and in comparison my issue is miniscule, but I really was shaken with the news. Growing up I was always self conscious, as most girls are, but I had finally accepted my body and was proud of what it looked like and what it can do.  

When I began developing I was teased and made fun of. I remember a specific incident in middle school where a classmate called out in the middle of music class, “what about D-Flat?!” The whole class erupted, including the teacher. I wanted to melt through the floor. Words stick with you and even 30 plus years later. I can remember details and feel the embarrassment run through me. 

GETTING BACK TO IT WITH SOME NEW HELP.

Since December I have been recovering from shoulder surgery and was finally able to get back to some painting. Having this diagnosis is quite the setback but its not the end. I have had some incredible support from friends, family and clients. But I would not be this positive without my boyfriend, Evan. We have talked every single day since the start of our relationship almost three years ago and even though we may be on opposite coasts, we have a closeness that I’ve never experienced before. Evan has listened to me, heard my fears, grieved with me, and even joked with me about “the canceah.”

Evan came out to stay with me despite his insanely busy schedule. He helped me with some yard work and put in a new flower bed and planted two trees. I’m so excited!

My dad has been as supportive as possible, too, going with me to appointments, waiting through surgery, and helping me at home. I felt horrible when I got the diagnosis thinking about how he has to go through this whole cancer thing all over again. Im grateful that although I do have cancer, that it is a common one and one that has a standard protocol for treatment and though my type of cancer is more aggressive, we caught it early and can hopefully nip it before it spreads.

TURNING TO ART FOR THERAPY

During my last trip out to California, Evan and I travelled up to San Francisco to pop in on our friends at Salon. We had planned to attend but due to this hiccup we decided to shorten our trip and spend some time driving down the coast and seeing the Hearst Castle. This year’s host, Lynne Rutter, organized a wonderful Salon and we were happy to attend the closing dinner. It was AWESOME to see everyone and get lots of hugs and words of encouragement.

We had decided to create a mold of my torso so when we were back at at Evan’s we spent an afternoon working on that. It was pretty uncomfortable holding that pose for over an hour, and even more painful taking the silicone mold off, but the results!!?? Wow! I am so happy we did this and I am thinking about working into some sort of art piece about my cancer journey.

I’ve also kept myself busy getting into sewing. I reorganized my office/craft room to better hold all of my stuff. I’ve really enjoyed creating pieces using thrifted items and incorporating my beadwork.

A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my new band The Gold Ponies and my fit fam at Crossfit Catonsville. 

My new band is incredible and I am so thankful to play with them. In March we had our first gig where we opened for our friends Geraldine at Edith May’s Paradise. Elise and Charlie have been incredibly supportive throughout my journey. 

And my friends at CFC! Omg. My friend Katie Stotes organized an outing to celebrate “Dee’s boobies” and we sang karaoke at the the local bar Morsbergers. She made my fabulous banner and brought glowsticks for everyone. I also received an insanely generous gift bag from anonymous members which included very thoughtful items of healing and love.

I have been so struck at how so many people have reached out and offered love and support through out this ordeal. 

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS TWOFOLD: 

-Never think you are in control of your life. You know what they say about best laid plans…

and

-Get your boobies checked!

2023! -My "Word of the Year"

…and my word is…

I am just going to start with my word of the year. Instead of saving it for the end because why not? I want to start off with a bang! I chose “CONQUER” as my word for 2023. It’s pretty powerful and I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of such a word. However, the more I thought about it the more I liked it and felt that it encompasses everything I want to do in 2023.

Flexing my Viking strength in Bergen Norway

So how did I choose this word?

On New Year’s Eve, Evan and I went to a good friends home to celebrate with a small group. She always puts on a great party and this was no exception. We ate tons of food and played games. But the part that I really enjoyed was a kit for personalized bracelets she had found. The kit came with metal discs and a set of letters that you can hammer your word into the metal. My turn was coming up and I had no idea what to pick. I had to choose it quickly and suddenly “conquer” came into my mind. I just went with it and grew to really love it. I keep it on my wrist as a reminder.

What does “CONQUER” mean to me?

When I first thought of the word I immediately thought of the Romans, William the Conquerer, the Moors, the Conquistadors, and others. Then I dialed it back and thought, “ok, thats a bit much.” I imagined myself continually stepping out beyond my immediate business area and expanding (my word for 2022) my business into other markets such as NYC and LA. I’ve thought a lot about whether or not I should spell out my actual desires and put them into print for the world to see for fear of failure, but if I don’t then I won’t really commit.

(Above- a couple of projects from last year. Left- Main Line Philadelphia; Center - Upper East Side of Manhattan; Right- Los Angeles with LeGrande Studios)

Conquer also means to conquer my fear of failure, my feeling of not being good enough. When I see other artists on instagram I often compare my work to theirs and wonder why I don’t get jobs like theirs. But I need to constantly remind myself that the universe will give me exactly what I can handle, and frankly, I’ve handled a lot.

Finally I am in the process of conquering my recovery from shoulder surgery! I am feeling great and making steady progress each day. I hope to be back on the wall soon.

If you missed my 2022 recap feel free to take a look.

Do you have a word for 2023? I would love to hear it and what it means to you.

LET’S WORK TOGETHER IN 2023!

Contact me about commissioning a custom piece of artwork, a custom mural, or any other project you’re dreaming up! I’d love to talk about what you have in mind, answer any questions you may have, and if the feeling is right, schedule a consultation.

Feel free to email me or use the form below. Talk soon!